This is how I get Brownie. A volunteer at Second Chances Animal Rescue offers me five different dogs: a cocker spaniel with missing teeth, a puppy that licks and grins and doesn’t know heartache, a chihuahua with a full-body tremble, a cowering terrier, a miniature poodle the same shade as gutter water.
These are those dogs’ names: Poppy, King, Trixie, Ella, Princess.
These are the ways the volunteer praises the dogs: doesn’t bark, good with kids, gets along with cats, doesn’t mind being alone, fits in your purse.
This is the volunteer, thinking she gets me.
This is me, walking away from those dogs and kneeling in front of a brown one with half an ear, a muscular chest and a wide stance, the dog whose name is the color of her fur. The dog who is staring into me as the volunteer says, “This one’s also up for adoption.”
No better than if she said, “This is a dog.”
*
This is Brownie and me watching reruns of “Law & Order: SVU” and eating kettle corn that clings to our teeth.
This is Brownie, leaning against the cushions like a little queen.
This is the scene when the kid stabs her abusive stepfather and this is when Brownie nods and her hazel eyes say, “Good girl.”
This is the yellow blankie that Brownie wears like a cape.
This is the dream she has when she paddles the air with her feet: she is swimming through a cold lake in summer while I toss her a ball that she catches, effortlessly, in her milky-pink mouth.
This is how Brownie brings each piece of kibble to my feet and eats only when I eat, this is how her body, snuggled under the covers, rumbles like an engine and shakes the mattress on its frame.
This is how Brownie enters my bloodstream like a virus, this is how she travels through my veins and pumps into my heart. This is how she burrows in.
*
This is Brownie, dozing lightly, square head on skinny paws.
This is the neighbor who stands too close and ignores my warnings.
This is Brownie, sinking her teeth into his thigh just as he says he’s very good with dogs.
This is the animal control officer explaining the law about dangerous animals: “In this state, a dog gets to bite once. If she bites twice, she goes bye-bye.”
This is Brownie, nosing the bright splatters of blood the neighbor left on my porch.
This is me, a woman who doesn’t know dogs, who assumes muzzles are cruel, and who figures Brownie must have seen something in the neighbor she didn’t like.
*
This is the morning when Brownie rubs her face on her blankie and makes a sound I haven’t heard before, like a growl interbred with a whine.
This is Brownie’s eye weeping a whitish fluid.
This is Brownie’s eye turning red and then swelling shut.
This is Brownie’s breakfast, untouched.
This is Brownie’s blankie, abandoned.
This is the internet, telling me she needs a vet to flush her eye, telling me that Brownie is hurting and needs painkillers, antibiotics.
This is me remembering the animal control officer and the one-bite rule.
This is me knowing there are no second chances for dogs like Brownie.
This is the washcloth that will clean Brownie’s crusty, angry eye, the care that will maybe keep Brownie out of a crowded waiting room, maybe keep her teeth out of a vet’s hand.
This is the washcloth touching down on Brownie’s face.
This is me, thinking I get her.
*
This is the pain, not arriving all at once but trickling in slowly like water from a leaky faucet until the pain is a pool and I’m wading in it.
This is me, with a puncture in the meaty part of my hand, thinking I was doing the right thing picking the dog no one wanted, no one bothered to get to know, no one cared enough to give a name worth remembering.
This is the dog who crawls to me in a crouch, whose whimper comes from low in her belly. This is the dog’s way of apologizing, of wishing she could take it back, of explaining that she didn’t know love until me and she isn’t sure, even now, if it’s real.
But this. This is only a guess.
***
Joanna Theiss (she/her) is a lawyer-turned-writer living in Washington, DC. Her short stories and flash fiction have appeared in Peatsmoke, Bending Genres, The Florida Review, Anti-Heroin Chic, Fictive Dream, and Best Microfiction 2022. Links to her writing are available at www.joannatheiss.com.