We recently published Allison Field Bell’s brilliant “Could Have Said No.”
Here, we ask her two questions about her story:
1) This story is told as a series of “could haves,” but, really, they feel like “should haves.” What she should have done — a sadly familiar refrain. Is this the narrator’s song to herself, or is this something others are singing to her, or about her? Or a combination of the two?
I want to say that what matters here is the song to herself. That the “could-haves” are, in a strange way, an asserting of agency in a situation that is so clearly one in which agency is stripped away. I think what’s sad and overwhelmingly common is the assertion of “should have” from an external source. The implication being that if the narrator had just done something differently, the outcome itself would have been entirely different. This means, of course, that it is somehow her fault. This is the space the story inhabits: it is not an external source blaming her, but rather her own re-cataloging of events. A way to both berate herself and somehow take back control. Paradoxical? Absolutely. But when a person is already reliving every minutia of a night, why not reimagine it? Why not rewrite it?
Perhaps it goes without saying that this is written of my own experience. I don’t find it particularly helpful to feel bad for myself. To wallow. I don’t mean to say anything general about anyone else’s experience of sexual assault. This is simply my experience. The space that I inhabit with regard to the incident this is based on is complex and nuanced. Which doesn’t mean I think that there’s a gray area when it comes to assault. Assault is assault. But how my brain deals with that is all shades of gray. Is all trying to find my way through a dark dusty apple orchard. Is thinking again and again through that chain of events, is wondering what I could have done differently. Could have but didn’t.
2) The imagery of fruit in this piece is so compelling, the cherries with the whiskey, the lemon-yellow Caddie, the apple orchard the protagonist retreats to internally. What compelled you to use fruits specifically?
I love the idea of intention behind this, and I wish so much that I was conscious of it. I think the internal story logic took the reins, pulling me through the imagery of fruit. Fruit always has an interesting resonance because of our biblical associations. That forbidden fruit. Temptation, I suppose. Knowledge. I wonder if this is where the story pulled me. Knowledge is so powerful and so paralyzing. Sometimes we can know and not know what to do with our knowing. This is, I think, what I grapple with in this piece. I like thinking through theory fundamentals here: known knowns, known unknowns, unknown knowns, and unknown unknowns. This story, and maybe every story has all of these at play. But for the narrator, the real repercussions of knowledge are not expulsion from some garden but rather a trauma that shapes an entire life trajectory. That’s not on the page of course. That’s just life and how I’ve moved through it. I don’t like to believe in trauma as defining me. And yet, how can it not in some way shape the way I engage with the world? And yet, this is fiction. This is fiction. Still, ultimately, apples are on the page because I grew up in a town full of apple orchards. Cherries because I used to drink whiskey with cherries. Lemon because that was the color of his Cadillac.